The Blog Of An Angel

Thinking Alone

9:25 PM, November 28, 2008 .. 2 comments .. Link

Recently I found out i was going through depression again, after going to the GP i was put back on anti depressisants. I was thinking to myself the other day though do i really need these tablets? Truth be told, they make u ill for first weeks before they get you better so is their any point ? I decided not to take them, and have recently discovered that without them im actually doing ok, so ive had a few arguments with people about not taken them but its my choice is it not ? I find then the strongest thing that can get you through a tough time is your friends, I wouldnt be without mine, last friday was the first time in ages , ive gone out and had a rocking time, I went to a fancy dress party as a playboy bunny, i admit i got drunk but it was a fun night, So i thought i would share with you a few photos of the night xx

To end this blog, ive recently started writing poems again, this is a rough draft of one , please tell me what you think could i change it , edit it maybe,

I sit here quietly and watch the sun set
Thinking of someone that I've never met
I wonder does he think of me too
Needless to say I am thinking of you

Wanting to hold you, to see your face
To take you away to a better place
You feel so right, too good to be true
I just can't stop thinking of you

My friends say that I might regret
Losing my heart to a guy I've not met
I say there is nothing I can do
I cannot help thinking of you

I believe you were made special for me
But wonder if that could possibly be
I'm tired of being so alone and blue
But I always smile when thinking of you

This isnt written for anyone in paticular its just me wishing that , maybe one day someone could think of me as much as i think of other people, like my friends for example xx

A Song That's Getting Me Through the Heartache

2:30 PM, November 18, 2008 .. 1 comments .. Link

Well recently you may off read that I went through a bit of heartbreak, because the man I was in love with just doesn’t love me anymore. Well a close friend of Mine Tim (who also has been going through heartache), recommended that I listen to this song, while djing he played it and now I just cant stop listening to it, because this is exactly how we both are feeling at the moment, So I thought I share the song with you and right down a few words to go with the verses.

THE SONG: The Script - Breakeven

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

(I'm still alive, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this now, but I can hardly breath because all im doing is thinking of him, I am preying to a god (that I do believe in ) preying that the man one day realises the pain his caused me. I got plenty of time on my heads atm but he has the freedom, and my heart is broken but its not broken in two its broken into many pieces.)

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

(His best days will be my worst, because instead of sharing the fine times he did with me, his sharing it with someone else :(, He met another girl who put him first , even though he was number one 2 me i guess he never saw that, I cant sleep atm because i just wide awake, and I know he has no trouble sleeping because he has no guilt ! )

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

( Well this is exactly how I feel , I don’t no what to do because, the best part of me that kept me going was the guy who broke my heart, and i do choke up crying that his ok when im not , i am so falling to pieces)

They say bad things happen for a reason
But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

(Everyone says these things happen for a reason but they always seem to happen to me, and that just make the pain worse. His moved onto someone else while im still upset grieving over the fact he broke my heart and now I just feel used and useless)

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

(Again the chorus but again like i said this is how i feel, im still in love with this guy but he left me)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm trying make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name

(This guy has my heart and the other girl’s heart, he feels no pain I don’t think tbh he cares that im in pain, he toke off in his car and i toke the blame, so little different here. Im trying to make sense of what happened and what remains of my life, but now I just have no love , because I don’t no how to love anymore when the one guy that loved me is the one go who betrayed me)

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

(first paragraph again everything i said early is how i feel)

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

(Is their anything I can do, he was the best part of me, the guy who made me strong wiped my tears when I cried now I cry because of him,)

I hope this song makes sense and what I put does, this is a way of expressing my feelings because this song is how I feel. I want to thank Tim for making me realise though im stronger then this, thank you for playing this song to me, and thank you for supporting me when I needed it. Keep smiling yourself babe, your an amazing person and your so strong yourself, you are better then this and if I can get through this so can you Much Love to you angel. Xx

Heartbroken

4:10 AM, November 16, 2008 .. 2 comments .. Link

I wish God send down a dove,with wings as sharp as razors, and spear the heart of the guy who said loved me and then betrayed me,

OK so u may wonder why, im writing this note but if you have had heart ripped in two then you know right now how im feeling. Last night i found out the guy i thought i ment the world is in love with another girl, now heres what broke my heart how can this person say you love & care for me when u do this !!! please someone explain to me because i really dont understand xx

Wise Words That I Can Relate To

9:34 PM, November 3, 2008 .. 140 comments .. Link

Marilyn Monroe once said this - I’m pretty, but I’m not beautiful. I sin but I’m not the devil. I’m good but I’m not an angel.

Their are many ways that i can relate to this quote, Marilyn Monroe is one of my many heros, and while researching her history the other day i came across this line and it made me realise somethings.

I’m pretty, but I’m not beautiful. I feel like this most days i know that i am pretty , many people have told me this in the past, but im not the most beautiful person in the world. Everyone has different souls and everyone doubts theirself but can anyone actually admit how they truly feel about themselfs ?? Everyone has something they hate about themselves , their own little faults in a way and for me , i hate my looks but yet when people tell me im pretty i will believe them.

I sin but I’m not the devil. Everyone sins at least once in their lifetime, and i would be lying if i said that i have never sinned. Im not the devil though,
people describe the devil as a supernatural being, someone who,is believed to be a powerful, evil entity and the tempter of humankind. Im nothing compared to that, Yes i can be evil, but i would never try and course someone pain on purpose.

I’m good but I’m not an angel. I consider myself to be a kind person, i would go down to my last penny to help a friend in need, but im no angel.
Angel are described as a spiritual supernatural that can be found in many religions .Angels are usually viewed as emanations of a supreme divine being, sent to do the tasks . Just because i help people, and have been called an angel before, i will never belive this to be true just an act of kindness. Just because people help others does that really make then an angel or just a good person ?? xx

My thought of today .......

5:06 PM, October 29, 2008 .. 3 comments .. Link

While making a birthday card on monday night , i had just finshed the front of the card and decided to start writing inside. When all of a sudden my mind went blank and i didnt no what to put, after searching the net for a funny poem to put inside and after what seemed like an hour, I came across this which seemed perfect for the person i was making the card for ......

Forget about the past, you cant change it.
Forget about the future , you cant predict it
Forget about the present, I didnt get you one

Looking back on what i had written , i started to wonder what the words mean,

Forget about the past, you can't change it. This is true you cant change the past now matter how much you want to. The world would be so much easier if we all had a time machine where we could go correct every little mistake we ever did wrong, but we cant can we ??. Even if we could would we ever learn from our mistakes ?? I believe everything happens for a reason and though it may not seem clear at the time you will one day in your life figure out that reason why. Something in the past may have happened that hurt you at the time, but without that mistake would you be the person you really are now ? Have you ever got stronger from a mistake or something thats happened in the past ?? Ask yourself that next time your looking back on the past.

Forget about the future, you cant predict it . Is this really true though, many people in the world such as mediums, spiritualist and tarot card readers reckon they can predict the future. People have even claimed to have gone into the future , having what they call an out of body experiance . Some even draw the future and not realise it intill the event happens. How many of you believe this is true ?? Can one person really predict the future if infact at all ? I would be lying if i said i dont believe you can predict the future as i do think a person can. I consider myself to be a very spiritualist person, and have in the past had my future predicted , have some of the events the tarot card reader said to me come true, yes and their still things that are ment to come true they havent yet, will they who knows but i will have to wait and see. Another little story for you is this , while my mum was alive we was due to be going on a train to visit my nans. The night before was was due to go, my mum had a dream that the train we was ment to be on was going to crash, injuring and killing alot of people. My mum instantly rang my nan to say that we would not be coming up, and that same day we was due to go , as my mum had dreamt the train did infact crash and killed many people. Was it luck or did she really predict the future who knows ?? In a way i was lucky though because if we had of got on that train i wouldnt be here today.

Forget about the present, I didnt get you one. Well this is joke really , but yet it made me think. Do you wish you could forget about the present time ? For example your in a bad situation in the present time, and you want to escape from it, but you know it will be right their waiting for you when you got back ?? Im sure once in your lifetime you felt like this to .

What Is Love …. ?

9:16 PM, October 25, 2008 .. 0 comments .. Link

Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even great philosophers, with their profound definitions,will never fully touch its true essence.

Ive decided to write this blog , to try express the love I have for the man in my love.
I will start with a poem xx

My love for you is oh so much.
More than I can express in words.
For in this poem. I will try and find these words
To touch , your heart

My love for you is stronger than gravity
More powerful then magic
But as kind and soft as a feather
For you are my love, my live and dreams

My love for you goes where I am.
To be sent from my heart to you where you maybe
For you are beautiful
More beautiful then spoken words can tell

My love for you is sweeter than honey
But stronger than steel
For it is you angel my heart desires
For all eternity

I hope in these few verses
You can understand
Of what im trying to express
That I love you eternally forever and ever.

Everybody goes though love at least once in their lifetime, but will we ever find the true meaning of love ? Who knows…….. but im going to end this blog with a quote and my thought on the matter .

It takes 3 seconds to say 'I Love You' but a lifetime to prove it.

No matter how hard you try prove love, I don’t think nobody can. I try prove my love through poems but I feel its never enough. So maybe it really does take a lifetime to prove your love to someone , but to the man I love. When reading this I hope you get a clue on how much you mean to me , thank you for being the one I can share the laughter, the tears and even the pain of things. Even if at times we fight you do mean the world to me and even though its hard to do I hope this proves that I do love you ….. xxxxx

Memorys

4:44 PM, October 25, 2008 .. 0 comments .. Link

Everyone has memorys that they will treasure for a lifetime. Some will put their memorys in photo albums, others will put them in a box hidden away.
Some will just have them locked in their heart and mind forever. I have all three of these, I have photos in albums that i look back on and smile at, I have a box in memory of my mum , in which i put her most treasured objects in, things like a teddy i got her and tickets to the theatre. I also have memorys that will simply be locked in my heart and mind forever. Not all memorys are good though, i realised the other day when trying to remember the good times i shared with my friend Julian that instead of blocking out memorys i wanted to forget , i blocked out memorys that i wanted to remember.

Heres what i mean by that, Ive known Julian for 5 years now, and while talking on msn the other day we was trying to remember the times we shared togethor , but when a subject was brought up i simply couldnt remember it only parts and it broke my heart. You see Julian is one of my closest friends, and to not remember times as simple as going to laser quest or hanging out in town just got me upset. I realised then instead of blocking out parts of my childhood i wanted to forget i blocked out the past that i didnt.

Memorys should last forever shouldnt they, thats why we put them in albums, or in boxes. Yes people have memorys they wish to forget but from now on im gonna try my hardest to remember the good times i share with people as those memorys will last a lifetime.

To end this blog, i want to say this to my friend Julian,

Julian, thank you for the memorys we did share togethor, i can remember you bringing a smile to my face, and i can remember you making me go up to that guy with a tag and tell him it was hanging out because you thought he didnt no !! I am sorry for not being able to remember a few other times i shared with you, but i want you to know this. That even though i have forgotten bits of the past that the ones i can remember will never fade, thank you for sharing my laughter and bringing a smile to my face dude luv always xx

Have You Ever Wished You Could Turn Back Time ??

9:59 PM, October 22, 2008 .. 0 comments .. Link

I write this blog for many reasons,
One, As I cant sleep even if i tried to i have things planning on my mind
Two, As Earlier today i hurt someone who ment alot to me
Three, As I think if you hear my mistakes it might help you
Four, This may way of expression how i feel right now

So here it goes .......

Have you ever wished you could turn back time to a point where you hurt someone you cared about the most ?? I have in my lifetime ive made many mistakes that im still learning from to this day.

One of those mistakes is this...

When my mum was alive , when she was going through her cancer, we would have argument upon arguments and we both say hurtful things. Before she died her last words was I Love You Danielle , and it killed me as even though we hated each other at times and even though i hurt her so many times she still loved me, and even in her dying moment all she could think about was me !! My mistakes here was never showing my mum everyday that i loved her so much, i should made everyday with her special specially near the end of her life , and i didnt because looking back on it i was scared and angry, i was scared because i knew she was dying and i was losing the one parent i have left in this world, angry because she was dying and i was being left alone. I shouldnt been though this is the women who raised me , who shelted and loved me and i hurt her and this is a one point i would change if i could, if i had a 2nd chance with my mum id tell her i loved her everyday. I know i cant change the past but i can look to the future and make everyday with those around me loved and special.

You cant change your future but you can change whats happening in your present, I have hurt people in my present and for this i am sorry if your reading this. I know someday soon i will learn from my mistakes properly . So this is my point of the blog ......

If you hurt someone and you dnt mean it instead of fighting and arguing just admit your wrong and say sorry, before its to late. I made the mistake with my mum and shes passed away now so im never gonna get that chance to say sorry, but for those who have a chance TAKE IT please before its to late xxxx

Arguments - Is It Worth Fighting In The End ???

8:00 PM, October 18, 2008 .. 2 comments .. Link

After Having another argument with my best friend last night, and ending the night in tears, and then having an argument with my partner this morning, I have decided to write a blog about ARGUMENTS (Are they worth it ? ) .

To start this blog of im going to tell you a little story about an experiance i had while at the doctors (This going back a few months mind you). I had just booked myself in to see my normal doctor and turned round to look for a place to sit, The only free seat was next to this old gentleman who i had spoken to before (For purpose of this lets call him George, Age 75). After placing myself in the seat next to him , as usual George asked how i was , I politely replied and asked how he was doing. After a few minutes he asked how myself and my partner was doing. After having an argument with partner earlier that morning, i told him that we had a bit of a fight. George then told me a story that has stuck with me these past few months. George and his wife have been togethor for over 50 years, And not once through those 50 years have they ever argued !!! When i asked George have you never even shouted at each other or argued over something one of you has not done ? George simply replied you only get one life, why spend it arguing why not spend it simply loving each other. This has stuck with me ever sense being told this story, it got me think is it really worth arguing with the ones you love ??

On average a human's Life expectancy in the UK is around 70 years, Some people live more some live less, But during the time we have on earth. Is it really worth spending half are lives arguing with those we love, friends , or even enemies ?? Yes everyone has arguments, I dont think you would be normal if you didnt., But my point is at the end of the day, is it worth hurting each other ?? Ask yourself this Say you had an argument with your loved one and you went to bed on an argument, What would you feel next day if you woke up to find your partner lying dead next to you ?? Would you feel angry at yourself for going to bed on an argument ?? Would you feel Hurt Knowing that your never gonna get to tell that one person you love them ever again ?? This is why when i have an argument with my partner the first thing i do before going to bed is say sorry and that i love him , Why because even though we say hurtful things to each other i wouldnt change him for the world. Same with my bestie i could be fighting like cat and dog with my best friend but if he needed me i would come running to his aid even if we had a big argument 20 minutes ago.

I was reading earlier today how to avoid arguments, in the article it including question about your own feelings, your partners or friends, and Your conscience. Heres a bit of what it said .....

Your feelings
Are you overreacting because you're tired and stressed?
Could the anger you feel be at someone or something else?
Are you hormonal at the moment and feeling unusually irritable or sensitive?
Is your mood being affected by illness?

Your partner's feelings
Could your partner be overreacting because they're tired or stressed?
Do you know that they're currently feeling angry about something else?
Is your partner either struggling with health issues or being affected by hormonal changes?

Your conscience
Are you feeling defensive about what your partner has said or done because you feel guilty?
Could you be feeling defensive because you want to avoid having to say you're sorry?
Are you bearing a grudge against your partner for something you need to let go of?
If you're going to raise an issue, are you sure this is the main thing that's bothering you? (See What are you really arguing about?)
If you're going to raise an issue, are you sure it's worth risking a potential argument?
If you're going to raise this issue, are you using the guidelines in Productive arguing?

It made me think do any of us even bother to try this ?? Would it work even if we did ?? Who knows, but it might be worth a shot. I hate having arguments with people , 9 out of 10 i will end up in tears over it. Sometimes we sort them out sometimes we dont, but at the end of the day i wouldnt change a single thing about those i love, or those close to me. Even if sometimes we fight like cat and dog. I will still love them, I wonder if everyone in the world stopped and thought about what they was saying before starting an argument , Would their be less hate in the world ???

To end this blog , Im going to go back to my story on George. Do you reckon its possible that this amazing gentleman who has been married for 50 years to his wife , Have never argued once sense being togethor ?? I honesty believe that story and i believe that if someone as kind hearted as George can last 50 years without arguing with his wife, well i then reckon maybe if the rest of the world truly tried we wouldnt be in wars, Please remember this one thing. after having an argument with your loved one, friends or even family, Try make things right, Never go to bed on an argument, Because like i said you may never know what next day brings ......

All Alone .......

3:27 PM, October 16, 2008 .. 1 comments .. Link

Do You ever feel like your all alone ??? Like your whole world just keeps crashing down, you sit staring at the walls and feel like their closing in on you ?? I do . Everything i touch just seems to turn to ash, everything i ever wanted in life is always out of reach. As for everyone i love well sooner or later they vanish as well, intill its just me . Alone in an empty room . Nobody to hear your crys, nobody to hold you . You want to run but the door keeps moving further and further away from you. So your trapped.
You cant escape . Does anyone else ever feel like this ?? xx

Friends will leave footprints in your heart !!

12:54 PM, October 15, 2008 .. 1 comments .. Link

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart . How many people believe this is true ??

I do i have friends that supported me through everything, they shared my laughter, my tears , helped me through my anger and tried to take away the pain. This blog is so say thank you to the people that have left footprints on my heart, The People that through it all have always supported me and given me the strength to carry on. This one goes out to you.

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We all need someone
To talk to in our life,
A friend to whom we run
In times of stress or strife

A friend who's always there
Throughout the years,
A friend we know will care
And take away our fears.

A friend who's always near,
Waiting for our call,
To wipe away our tears,
And lift us when we fall.

A loving friend indeed,
On whom we can depend
To fulfill our every need -
Thank you,my precious friends

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This blog would not be big enough, to fit the amount of people who have left a footprint in my heart. You people should know who you are, Ive told you countless of times !! You guys have left a footprint in my heart, you shared precious memorys with me, You raised me up when i was down and you chased away my pain. To you all
THANK YOU !!!
I will forever be in your debt xx

The Angel's First Blog !!

8:57 PM, October 14, 2008 .. 5 comments .. Link

In the wise words of Drew Barrymore in the film Never been kissed.
Someone once told me that to write well you have to write what you know. This is what I know .....

Im 19 years old. I have never really had an easy childhood. I was neally killed before i even turned ONE !! How you may ask, My Mother was running me a bath and i sneakly climbed up the stairs to the stairgate and rattled it, what happened next (so ive been told ) I pulled the stairgate down on me and fall down the stairs with the stairgate landing on top of me , and my mother who rang out to get me fallen on top of that. Luckly all i came out with was a broken nose which but i have a perminate scar on my nose remind me of .

Next lets move on to my Father,Everything a man shouldnt be !! A Sailor in the Royal Navy.His name Anthony Hearn. I guess you could say he was never really their for me, He spent most his time away from home , or coming home drunk and using my mum as a punch bag. I dont remember him,but i do know that he never really loved me or my mum. I have been told so many stories on what he was like, that im glad i cant remember him, from what ive been told he was nothing but a lying, abusive wife beater. Someone who got his kicks from hitting his wife & daughter, someone who stole of my mum and someone who cheated. Thankfully he walked out when i was 2 and ive never heard from him since.
You may ask do i think of him ?? I do someday i wish i knew him but other days i despise him !!
Would i ever meet him ?? NO
Why ?? Where has he been for 17 years of my life need i say more.

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Next lets move on to my Mother, A Hero in my eyes, An Angel who sadly lost her battle to cancer At the age of 40 !!. Her Name Della Tredgett. Their so many things i want to say about her but, this blog isnt big enough to express how much she did for me. So instead im going to put a poem in memory of her here.

Mother you were the nicest, you were always there for me
You sung me nursery rhymes as you bounced me on your knee
You did everything that you could for me then left me on my own
The angels wanted you with them so they came and took you home
No one could ask more from their mum than what you did for me
Every day you gave me time, our closeness all could see
You cuddled and cherished me as a mother always does
Supported me in everything and often gave me a shove
You wiped my tears when I cried and laughed at all my ways
I reminded you of you when you were in your youthful days
I know I tried you with my moments as every child does
When life can get too much to bear in all the tear and rush
But you were there for me whenever I needed you
Sadly I never told you just how much I loved you too
And now it is too late, for your arms I can no longer feel
I should have told you when I could that my love for you was real.

This women touched the life of so many people, she never gave up even though she knew the cancer was terminal. My Mother ran marthaons while ill and raised over £4000 for the cancer unit that helped her. She battled this horrible illness for 8 years and in the end it toke my precious mother away. I do miss her everyday, After all i ended up being her full time carer near the end, it was always me and mum (specially after my stepdad walked out but thats another story for another blog), It is hard to grow up without no parents. I always thought my mother would be their to see me have my first child, get married , even to see my 18th birthday.Sadly she never made it and lost her battle a few days before my 16th. She will forever be missed and always in my heart. xxx xx

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Next i move on to my baby brother Hayden Paul Tredgett, Sadly he was stillborn (born and died in the womb) . It broke my mothers heart when they told her, and how i longed to be a big sister. I was only young when he died but i still have the scars , the memorys of having to see his body be taken away from my mothers arms. So as you can imagine my dream of becoming a big sister was never ment to be. My mother had suffired countless miscarriages before Hayden, After that was when she found out she had cancer and couldnt have any more children, So i grow up a lonely child. Every 1st April i mourn the death of my brother, all though his soul never grassed this earth , i believe his spirt lives on.
This is a poem i wrote in memory of him...

Far In The Distance, I See a small figure
Who is this boy I see before me?
I Know him, He has my blood
Such a beautiful Child, he is running to me
As i see him,I run to hold him
I Lock my arms around him and shed a happy tear
As i hold my brother in my arms i feel no fear
Knowing that for this one moment no pain i will feel
Not a soul around, Not a word said
reuinted with my brother needs no spoken words
I sit in the corner, Just a look and a smile is all i need
He sits netx to me, Looking at me with love
Five Little words he whispers in my ear
"I Love you big sister" I break down, I freeze
I pull him close and tell him the love i feel
My brother dear, How i miss you so
Turn Back The clock and change the past
So we can look to the future and forget the past
To erase the hurt and the pain without you here
Make new memories of a lifetime with you near?
So Could We Start again please? Thats all i ask
Make New Memories and forget the past

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Right well i think thats enough for my first blog, but im going to end this by telling you two of my main regreats as a child .

1, I regreat never showing my mother everyday i loved her
2, For hurting my mum in times when all she really needed was a cuddle

I sometimes lie awake at end, and wonder whether my mum would be proud of me now, What have i achived so far in my life ?? I know im not perfect but is anybody now days ... ??? I know deep down my mum would be proud , even if i havent proberly lived my life yet, i know that so far she would be proud of what ive achived !! So what have i achieved well thats for another time and another blog ..... xxxx

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